Cause this house of mine,
by The Interference
Summary: stands strong. (Or does it.) Bakugou Katsuki knows it's useless. He can't live like this. So he decides not living is a good enough option. In which Katsuki cannot handle his love, so he moves on to drastic measures. Warning: Suicide Attempt, Ambiguous Ending, Angst...
1. Chapter 1: I'm going back to my roots!

...

..

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Katsuki sits on top of the roof.

It's a peaceful day, really; the breeze is fresh with the crisp fragrance of pines and warmed by the early April sun.

It's only the malfunctioned gears in his heart that bother him.

'I refuse,' he protests futilely. 'I won't bow. I will become the number one Hero.'

Yet his heart isn't in it as it once had been. The days Bakugou Katsuki strived for the glory of heroism are over.

Bakugou Katsuki is dead.

* * *

Katsuki slips his legs through the bars the next day.

It's not a big deal, to be frank. He knows it's not. He can still feel the strong metal firmly embedded in the concrete roof beneath his bum as he sits idly. He's holding the bars with a deathly tight grip.

Against his wishes, he thinks he could jump.

In a purely theoretical sense, of course. Katsuki knows something like that is pointless; it serves no purpose but escape, it's too permanent of a solution and he still wants things from life. No, Bakugou Katsuki wouldn't stoop to that level of cowardice.

He imagines his skull cracking open on the koi fish pond, painting the water crimson. Like his eyes.

Again, against his wishes, he decides it'd be a pretty sight.

* * *

Bakugou Katsuki longs for the day he will feel ready to hop off the edge.

It's agonizing. He can't sit through classes, he can't eat in the cafeteria, he can't walk home without fearing he's going to throw himself into the traffic.

It feels as if the total control he's had over his good fortune was turned to dust.

Karma is collecting.

* * *

Bakugou Katsuki is a big fat coward and he hates it.

"I ain't gonna do that shit," he whispers hoarsely as he grasps the horizontal bar separating him from the blank space.

"No way. That's no cool. Come on, Katsuki; you know you are stronger than that. Don't succumb."

He doesn't. But he doesn't stay away either.

He raises his legs and hops onto the thin ledge on the other side.

"The fuck," Katsuki curses, completely dumbstruck at the feeling of reclaimed control he has. He can decide if he wants to fling himself over there or not. It feels familiar, it feels powerful and most importantly...

... he feels euphoric.

"The fuck is this shit," he asks into thin air. It scares him, what this does to him; he can't do this. Not yet. Not when his childhood dream is so close.

But what even is the point anymore?

He could see it, in his mind, as if it was on a film roll. He sees himself going to UA, gaining allies and enemies alike and graduating, fighting villains, becoming the number one and beating All Might in his full power.

The fall from popularity. The consequences of his less than stellar personality and vulgar behavior. The angry shouting of the crowd, pressuring him for retirement. The inevitable victim Katsuki won't be able to save. The enraged media. Shunned by the society and spat at by the people he's protected.

Dying alone in a ditch, forgotten from minds and hearts, family long gone and Deku...

Izuku flourishing without him.

'No,' he tells himself, terrified, as he feels sweat slick up his unsteady hands. He almmost slips but quickly grabs the bar and steadies himself.

He feels sick. There is a burning heartbeat right inside his ribs, stabbing them continuously. He just had a near death experience and he feels numb, his limbs are shaking. He promptly pulls himself back to safety.

Katsuki doesn't return to the roof for a while.

It's a hopeless case. He knows this. He knows.

He knows his days are limited.

* * *

Bakugou Katsuki is writing a farewell letter.

It's not much and he feels like a newborn monkey, with the way he's shaking in his fingers. He feels pathetic, so pathetic that he can't even write with a pen, in hiragana and katakana nonetheless. He intends this to be a very simple letter with the least number of kanjis to understand it. It will be short and to the point, yet enough to convey how much he cares for the people he is leaving this for.

It's hard to decide what his last words in this world would be.

How does one go about writing a suicide letter anyway?

He decides to just let it flow, when he remembers it wouldn't matter much in the end anyway.

There would be no one in the afterlife to see it.

He decides on three words.

'I am fine.'

It doesn't feel like a lie. It feels liberating.

* * *

On the final day he lives, Bakugou Katsuki hugs his parents before leaving for school.

His mother's jaw hangs open as his arms encircle her waist, face pressing to her bosom.

And it's too much; there is her scent, that weird feeling like he is about to make a big mistake leaving these loving people but he's made his decision. And for a moment, he feels he is about to explode from the conflict inside his heart.

"Katsuki," his mother inquires, concerned.

As a parent would be, naturally.

She pats his back and rubs a little, then moving her hand to his head to ruffle it. God, would he ever feel her skin against his scalp ever again?

No.

He knows he won't.

He is off to a funeral.

* * *

At the end of school hours, Bakugou Katsuki leaves his final words to his childhood friend.

He feels the need to make a special declaration; however, he knows that would be too fucking stupid. He isn't an amateur. He's planned this. Deku would out him to the police or whatever the fuck department that dealt with suicidal people, if it meant it would save a life.

He looks over the roof's bars and for a moment, has a moment of lucidity so clear that he has to wince from the sheer roar of his senses.

He feels the soft wind running through his spiked hair -now dull and lifeless- and the serene view of the clouds passing over the bright blue sky. He feels his low, shallow breathing and the clenching of his palms. Sweat gathers.

What the fuck is he doing?

Why is he doing this?

What's the point of doing this? Something to prove..?

It wouldn't. Leaving his parents and Deku behind shouldn't be the price to pay to make a point.

But he has to now. He can't turn back from this. For some inane reason, Katsuki already feels like he has trespassed an invisible line, the day he went over the bars to pretend he was going to commit it.

It's over now.

His last ten seconds.

Katsuki's eyes go open in panic and his lungs are restrained by his chest. It's too tight, too uncomfortable, too sweaty, too much, it's too much it's too much it's too much oh God he was going to jump wasn't he..?!

Sobs tear through his constricted throat and biting his lips, he counts down from ten.

It'd be peaceful.

8.

It should be comforting, to think he won't have to bear this anymore.

5.

Why doesn't it?

2.

He tenses his muscles to prepare for his last dive.

"KACCHAN..!"

His breath is stuck in his neck, chilled.

Timid. He turns around gingerly, navigating behind the bars easily and faces him.

Deku looks flushed. Panting.

'He ran here.'

"You..!" he starts, lip wobbling. "You dare to do this when it was only recently that you confessed to me..."

It's somehow worse than Katsuki imagined being caught in the act. Deku doesn't spout about the goodness of life or mediocre consolations. He is quiet.

And that's kind of freezing cold. Katsuki can't feel the sweat now, through the empty numbness spread throughout his whole body.

"Kacchan," Deku pleads. "I've just begun to reciprocate. You can't take away my love a second time."

It doesn't make everything better, not really. But it feels like that.

Katsuki nods and gets back to safe ground.

It's not a good day, but he can at least live a bit more with Deku.

The clouds pass in the sky.

.

..

...

* * *

 **So this was something I wrote in boo in the morning when sleep deprived, but got a lot of likes so I decided to share it here as well.**

 **For the record, this is a fanfiction of Rizetheotaku's "I Fuckin' Love You Deku!" AO3 story. It had a very angsty chapter and I am still a fan of it.**


	2. Chapter 2: Oh it's who we are!

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..

.

There is something peculiar about having no will left.

Katsuki's days are spent drifting through a thick, misty haze. With Izuku's reluctant hand to hold and his mother's warm cooking to come home to, there is really nothing else he could ever possibly want from life.

Every day is spent in mediocrity and the greyscale. Katsuki sees the world through a filter of monochrome.

There is a deep-rooted ache embedded within him, however.

He regrets.

He regrets and regrets and regrets.

Until he's finally numb enough that he can come back to school to support Izuku on his journey.

Katsuki knows Izuku has given him a chance. He knows.

Izuku doesn't quite seem as hurried as Katsuki feels, though. So, he leaves it alone.

* * *

"Kacchan," Izuku asks some day after the incident. "Do you want to go to UA with me?"

Katsuki can't help but stare; at his oddly long eyelashes, his swollen lips and his eyebrows pulled into a thoughtful scowl.

He thinks. He doesn't do much else these days.

"No, " he answers finally, a bit reluctant in his admission.

(Would Izuku leave? He had always gone on and on about how great a hero Katsuki is-)

(Not that Katsuki believes him. Deku of the past made him afraid, vulnerable. Core left unprotected, at the mercy of the only one who had been brave enough to take the first crack on his walnut shell.)

"I don't have any reason to, " he continues and Izuku looks more and more alarmed the more Katsuki speaks. "I mean, I don't exactly know why. But..."

He pauses a bit.

This is hard. He kind of wants to go home earlier than normal, so he can roll himself up in a blanket burrito and cry a teeny bit.

"You're destined for greatness, " he settles on, nodding to himself in pride at finding the right words to use. "You have no need for me anymore. I have fulfilled my role in your story-"

Bakugou Katsuki doesn't get to finish that sentence, as he takes a punch right in his nose.

Midoriya Izuku doesn't talk to him for a whole week.

* * *

Bakugou Katsuki doesn't know what went wrong.

Deku is hurt. It's Katsuki's fault, he knows that; though, for the life of him, Katsuki can't see what had gotten under Deku's skin so deeply that it had actually provoked the smaller boy to assault him in that way.

But the thing is, Katsuki hadn't been talking trash. He had been conversing in a fairly calm tone with a rather polite tone.

Perhaps it was the newfound indifference Katsuki has found himself shrouded in? Had Izuku been intimidated?

Katsuki ponders on it.

* * *

Bakugou Katsuki, nowadays, had never thought he would regret losing his will.

Until now.

He has entered the entrance exam to UA, to accompany Izuku and witness his rise to heroism. He has never regretted that decision more.

"Help..!" The calloused hand waves from beneath the rubble. "Please! I can't! I can't fail, not now!"

And the desperation of the voice hurls him back to the days Katsuki could hear Deku's soft pitter-patter feet, when he had locked into the target bullseye.

He can't handle this. He's on the crossroads.

Why?

Why must he be put on the spot like this?

Why must he be the only one who sees the hopeless competitor struggle for another chance?

He knows, he knows if he doesn't act soon, he will lose his chance, his chance at-

...at what?

Why is Katsuki so anxious about this?

But unknown to him, Bakugou Katsuki had always been destined for greatness.

And not even a crossroad could be the boulder in the only path available.

A concrete piece from the roof falls off, speeding and speeding, right onto the boy who is trapped in the rubble and Katsuki doesn't freeze, not ever, never again.

Tight clenching of his muscles, and he is off, explosions roaring behind him.

He settles into a defensive stance, takes aim-

-and fires.

It's all burnt into dust, flying around everywhere in a thick, white fog.

Bakugou Katsuki is no hero.

But he had never been meant for anything else.

* * *

And on their first day to the Hero course, Katsuki and Izuku share a hopeful kiss, a promise for the days to come.

...

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* * *

 **And here I am with my asshole-ry adding another chapter to the angst**

 **You're welcome *bows**

 **-Int.**


End file.
